Epitaph for the lost love

Note: This is a song which I loved to hear. Tried my hands at translating this song, a very difficult job and nowhere near the original. Please read the translation only if you are not conversant in Hindi.

Info of the song:

Lyricist :Rajendra Krishna
Singer :Talat Mehmood
Music Director :Madan mohan
Movie :Dekh Kabira Roya - 1957

Video:


Lyrics:
Hum se aaya na gaya, tum se bulaya na gaya
Faasla pyar me donon se mitaya na gaya.

Woh ghadi yaad hai, Jab tum se mulakaat hui,
Ek ishaara hua, do haath badhe, baat hui
Dekhte dekhte, din dhal gaya aur raat hui
Woh shama aaj talak dil se bhulaya na gaya

Kya khabar thi, ke mile hain toh bichadne ke liye
Kismatain apni banayi hai, bigadne ke liye
Pyar ka baagh lagaya tha, ujadne ke liye
Iss tarah ujda ke phir, humse basaya na gaya

Yaad rah jaati hai aur waqt gujar jaata hai
Phool khilta bhi hai, aur khil ke bikhar jaata hai
Sab chale jaate hain, kab dard-e-jigar jaata hai,
Daag jo tu ne diya, dil se mitaya na gaya.

Translation:

Not me to make an effort to return, not you to make the plead
The rift that so grew, could not be without an effort breached

Recall the time, when for the first time we met,
A glint, two hands touched and had our hearts did confabulate
But with time's passage, the sun had made way for the dark
The spark that had been ignited then, had left its lasting mark.

Who it was who knew that we had met only to part
Only to crush our destinies we had them so lovingly carved
The garden nurtured with our love was created just to be ruined
No amount of love can have these wrecks ever redeemed

Only the memories remain but time passes on,
The flower blooms and then wilts, after its moment under the sun.
Every one departs someday, but will these heartburns ever digress
The scar of the departed's pain is so difficult for my heart to efface.

That familiar face:

I hoped it was her. It looked like her.. How could I be even sure... It was long time to the day that I had seen her for the last time. Actually didnt even saw her then ... just saw someone who pretended to be her but it wasnt her.It could not have been her... the lady I was saying goodbye to, wasnt smiling, she just looked like a dark shadow of the lady I knew and maybe, at sometime, liked. Coming back, some 20 years from the past, to the same city where I had met her last, Bhubanswar, hadnt changed at all but I think I had and maybe, so had she.

I kept on staring at her from a distance... a eye on her and an eye on the date of mfg of some biscuits which I had no intention of buying. She was buying some grocery items... butter,flour and cereals, oil, which by the way was Dhara ... i smiled ... it had to be her. I still had not thought if I should go ahead.. and talk to her.. I didnt know what I would say, what could I say?? Things that had needed to be spoken had remained silent... it was loud for all to hear but it had remain silent. I still carried those moments with me... the puchkaas(paanipuri) near RDWomen's college, the walk along the desolate roads in Saheed nagar... the ride on the pedalboat in Nicco park, where only I had pedalled and she had enjoyed sitting like some rani and not helping at all. The memories made me smile... I still could see both of us fighting over the last piece of pastry that we had ordered and had shared, and the grimace that she displayed when i dived in and ate the puchkas that had kept piling on the plate when she was struggling to put even one in her mouth. Those half eaten puchkas were falling, the masala water was dripping from her mouth, the lips were looking so enchanting with the "dhaniya leaf" still struck to it. She was trying to wade her disheveled hair with the unused left hand, but they were still falling on her face, a few streaks of those hair were covering her pretty eyes from me. I couldnot but sigh then and think how wonderful she looked. Her eyes were watering with all the chillies that we had put in the puchkas and her nose was moist but she still had looked so beautiful... so very vulnerable... but still so very beautiful.

The lady I had been following had moved to the next section, buying some soaps cosmetics and all... I continued to stare from the magazine section... She seemed alone.. she seemed unhappy and I was so sadistically happy... I remembered when I was playing with her ear rings that day... they were bright and seemed to hang from her small ears, they jingled when she shook her head for something... her smile was so fascinating, so full of innocence. I remembered staring from a distance when she was blabbering and chattering like a monkey along her thousands "double chotied" friends near the school canteen, she looked so enchanting, with so many people around, with the distance between us, she was so very close to my heart. Today when she was so near, she looked so distant, so far away. My heart ached again, the familar feeling was rising again... the burning sensation and a pain that was so difficult to even tolerate, even then, even now.

I was still following her... same like I used to 20 years before... but then we used to walk separately but still togather but today we were standing so near yet we were so far away. I could relive those momemnts as if they had happended just yesterday... but I was always silent about it...Whome do I say... What do I say???? Even if I try how can I even imagine talking of that smile which had so luminated my life... about those eyes which so used to pierce my heart...about those silences which so used to fill me with fantasies... about those soft hands which are no longer in mine. It may not matter to anyone but me.. the difference of "Lucy's death" is only to me.

She stood there in the queue waiting for the counter boy to give her the bill, I still stared ahead unashamedly... She was wearing a pink salwaar today... a color which she had liked and me hated..I still remember when we had met in the park.. another place I always hated to meet her... and ironically had to meet her there for the first and last time. Then too she was clad in pink... had applied god knows what makeup but she was looking so pretty, she told me of the impending marriage and how she had agreed to it.. I have to marry someone, she said... and looked at me , I had no answer... I kept on talking crap about how we should follow our heart but I said nothing that she wanted to hear and may be nothing that I wanted to say. I just kept on going and she kept on listening and we parted with her saying, "I dont atleast dislike him ... maybe I will just grow to fall in love with him... ". I had no answer to the double negatives. I kept silent... I was shattered but still remained silent... I was so afraid of myself... I was so afraid of everything...I am so like Naim in Manto's Barren... I am just incapable of love... I am in love with love itself, but so incapable of falling in love, maybe just incapable of accepting being in love. I could again feel the burning pain shooting in my heart but I just stood silent.

She was going away... walking towards the parked car... She must have settled in bhubaneswar then, but hadnt she told me that she was to marry someone from Mumbai. I looked ahead... she walked towards the black Corolla, a small kid jumped on her... a smile flashed across her face. A bald man coaxed her from the drivers seat to make it quick... she gave a weak smile at him... put the things in the back seat,kept on hugging her son... climbed the front seat and drove away...I still stood standing at the supermarket. I looked ahead.. The man at the counter was asking me if I needed some help... I shook my heads and walked away from that place.

Dreams:

(The above still is from Passion of christ, Mary magadalane, Mother Mary and John waiting for the resurrection)

Salim was dead, there was no denying the fact. The fact though had still not sinked in. It was not even a day to the evening in which, he, just liked that died. No premonitions, no instinctive denials... just a morning of shopping, a late vegeterian lunch, a few hours of sleep, the customary hugs while leaving, the wistful thinking that we should all stay in Mysore, and barely the bike had been out of Mysore, he was gone... Just like that. A crash, few clatters, the piercing silence, someone's cry for help, the din of the sudden crowd which had erupted and then silence again... and .. and he was gone... Just like that.

Another day had just begun to end perhaps... the seconds were ticking... perhaps waiting for something to happen. The TV remained silent as everyone was grappling with their very own personal dreams, fighting with their personal thoughts .. A fight which they maybe were going to loose. Tomorrow was the day they all dreaded, some of them were burying their son, some their friend and some their brother. They chanted along.. "A lily of a day was fairer far in may" but what about the bird whose oak has fallen in his prime and not "bald and seer". A 7 foot long pit for a 6 ft guy... a 3 ft wide grave for a thin chap and there he will lie to grow like an oak.... A tomb will say what may be he never even wanted to say and a place where maybe the birds will chirp and the dogs rest. Not able to take it any longer... they all slept...atleast tried to....and they dreamt on.

A mother's dream:
Mama.... get up... u still sleeping, have to go to office... a voice echoed from somewhere. The mother woke up in her dream jumped to cling to her son never may be to let him go away.The tears which had dried near her eyes had formed a white layer which her son so lovingly wiped. She pleaded with him never to leave her even a second on which he so agreeingly nodded. She wondered why her son was so thin... he had to eat better now ...She just looked at his face and clinged to her more strongly than ever. Now that she was convinced that all the phones that had come the other day were rumors, all the wailing that she had heard was just a bad dream, she looked at the watch which showed 3 AM in the morning. Surprised, she looked back at her son but he was no longer there... he maybe was lost in her cling. She went back to her bed, truth had atlast dawned on her. The next day, after getting up from feigning sleep, she went to the front door. The plant that till yesterday was barren had bloomed and a while lily smiled at her. She smiled. Her son was back.

A friend dreams on:
It was no use lying on the bed... sleep was difficult to come by. Anshu got up to have some water and then went back to the gory bed. He thought of thoughts, memories flodding by, some sweet, some sour but memories which were difficult to let go. He drifted along to reach a zone where he was not sleeping nor was he keeping awake. He was just floating along. He realized he had reached some god forsaken graveyard... the dark graves were covered with wild grass... some pink flowers were blooming in the hedges... there were tombs all over, some markings etched all over. He stopped to look at the epitaphs.... some had died young, some were babies and some in their prime. A lady was lying with her 2 young sons and a dutiful? wife with her loyal husband. He saw a grave with his friend's name on it. He stopped and then started pounding on the grave with all might.The grave caved in... and he found his friend at the end of the tunnel, the same huge nose, ugly face and the small eyes which sinked in when smiling... eating some mangoes in the white "You can legally marry a goat" tshirt. Anshu got angry... when the world was in mourning, this guy was eating mangoes. He tried dragging him from the pit but couldnt, his friend was being sucked more into the tunnel. He started despairing, he kept wailing and calling for help but all he saw was the dark tunnel and darkness that was crowding on him. He woke up in a start and found his friends gathered around him asking him to be ready for the burial. He got up and went to the balcony. He looked ahead at a small kid playing in the mud who had put some of it in his mouth too. He looked on at the small kid, the kid caught his eyes and smiled.

A lady weeps:
Ahana replaced the phone and straight went to the kitchen, her refuge where she could be alone, where no one would disturb her. She remembered college, where they used to meet secretly escaping those prying friends. The touch of his hands when it brushed across her side, the carefree smiles and the talks, how can she forget the talks. Now all that she had of him was the memories, he was no more, so the informant had told.Ahana couldnt believe for a second, she was far away in taxas where as he in bangalore, but still, they had shared moments.. once.. long ago. How could she forget. She remembered how he didnt come for her marriage, he couldnt he said and she understood... pretended to be angry but understood. It was getting late, she had to wake up early for the doctor's appointment and for that she had to sleep, if she could. Her husband was on the other side sleeping like a log, the telephone rings never seemed to bother him.Ahana tried sleeping... her half open eyes were looking at her husband, she saw instead of her husband it was salim,smiling at her.It was the same face, the same cringed eyes, the ugly nose and the dimpled smile, and they were sharing kisses. She didnt know if she was enjoying it, she didnt even try to think... the face was still changing... there were now sweats on his face... it was red... instead of sweat it was now blood which was flowing from his face... his face was cut... his tooth broken... there were dark spots all through and his eyes betrayed hurt.She woke up with a sudden pain. She sat on her haunches and patted her belly... her 7 months old baby had kicked.

They were all dreaming... living with the dead... burying him, exhuming him... and then burying him again...Mud prints everywhere... all dreams bloodied...Someone was dead and the living were dying with him. Those alive were living but they were dying again and again and again.

One moment more :

The pain of death's farewell grows dim,
The pain of life's farewell stays new.
Since you were exiled to jiangnan
- plague land - i've had no news of you.

Proving how much you're in my thoughts,
Old friend, you've come into my dreams,
I thought you still were in the law's
Tight net - but you've grown wings, it seems.
-Vikram seth,Three Chinese poets

Movies are my panacea I think or may be it's mania is the diesease that I suffer from. Watching some movie or the other and thinking about it is the only activity that I enjoy, I think. A few days before, at arnd 1 in the Night I started watching Mili, not that I hadnt seen it before , but I enjoy watching it. Its a movie which instills hope(Something I dont belive in), a movie which though in the same lines as of Anand is so brilliantly different with its adaptation. Amitabh with his controlled potrayal of the debauched and hurt son and Jaya with her ebulliant self were both brilliant. I simply adored the movie when I saw it for the first time and still adore it everytime I watch it.

Most parts of the movie moved me, but I keep on thinking about one thing as in Why did Amitabh have to propose and marry Jaya when he knew that she was terminally ill. What did that union procure, a month or two togather, the slow but painful acceptance that you are slowly loosing the person you love to death, some more memories to struggle with. I kept on thinking about why do people try to continue with a relationship when there is no future to it, when all that can come out of it is hurt, pain and nothing but memories which may keep on haunting one for like ever.

I was talking to a friend when he started talking about death and how we all wish to prolong the moment of the final passing. So true I thought, A person is not dead till he is dead and if he is not dead, he is alive, so it is not stupid when one keeps on wishing for the dead person to hold onto his life. What about a relationship then, isnt a relation also like life, then why not try to hold on to the relation just a moment more before letting go, just trying to hold on to the person before the relation lies broken never to be mended.

Some say it is better for the parting to be blunt, a moment and everything gone but I cannot but disagree. Death or Separation, sudden or lingering cannot bring anything but some morose despair, a terrible shock and another life defunct. The difference being, only in separation, the body breathes. If it is lingering atleast you can prepare for the destined, atleast you can have some more moments togather, atleast you have some more experiences, some more life,some more joy, some more memories. As days pass, the inevitable may happen, some candles may be stubbed out, some ships just hanging around may leave for their destination, I may remain standing alone but atleast I would have a moment more.

One more moment and all that it is.