That Phoney Ram

Note: I am no feminist and am no catcher in the rye.. but sometimes I am troubled. The underwritten is a product of that ailed mind.

Disclaimer: I know a million Rams, and I dont mean any of them with my title ;)

The fire was burning bright and my heart was burning brighter. I looked up at the pyre that was lit,standing on the opposite side was the leader among men standing along with his monkeys. Standing there was a god who was not omniscent any more, a king who was no more omnipotent, a husband who had lost his trust. We were watching eachother through the fire, both seemingly burning to each other.

It seemed long ago now but It was just yesterday when my grief was paused and there was some whiff of happiness, the whiff was to be obliterated, I had no idea.

The garden was filled with half heard whispers.. some screams were heard with bated breaths, "Ravana was dead" someone managed to say.. I looked up with mosit eyes and a gleam of smile in my half open lips. Mandodari's wail reached my ears, but being sorry for her could not wipe my glee off. I was no longer a captive anymore and I was free , free as a bird, no Ravana to browbeat me to succumb to his lusts, no demons to jeer and no more exile. Ram's face floated around and I tried to close my eyes to make him remain within my eyes and my dreams, as I had done for the last few years. Today though, I no longer needed his memories, he would come for me, his loving eyes upon mine, his touch burning me with a love that I had missed, his breath on mine, peace at last I thought.

These last few minutes seemed like years to me, the gates opened and my eyes met with bibhishan who had come to escort me to my husband. I was led to the queen chambers and I prepared for my lord, the warm bath, the scented flowers, the heavy jewellery all to please my dark lord. The memories were now rushing to me.. how he had got jasmine flowers for me saying I looked like apsaras with these flowers adorned, I had winked and had asked him which apsara he was fascinated with and he had just replied.. "Sita". I could still hear his voice whispering all around.. Sita, Sita.. Sita... The inner chambers were now echoing my lords whisper and I was dancing around in the music.

I saw Mandodari waiting for me, now the vanquished queen was my maid, her head was bent low and she waited for her orders. I was now a queen again but then wasnt I a woman first. I embraced the widow, I embraced her as a sister, as a queen meeting another queen. Lakshman had come and I ran to him, he touched my feet and I hugged him with all might.. He was scarred and thin.. his hands had become more sturdy and his face had turned rough, my son I thought. I took another deep breath and looked at him again.. he looked sad.. he was avoiding my gaze.. I looked around searching for the person whom I wanted to see, He was nowhere..

The fire was burning still, the pyre was still hungry.. the woods werent enough.. it was flesh it wanted, and my husband, the great man that he was, the lord of the weaklings had wanted me to burn at stake to pacify the hunger of the inanimate. Lakshman was crouching behind me.

I remembered with a smile how I had pleaded with Lakshman to lead me to my husband. It was night all around, the lamps were dimly lit, the yellow noise of these lamps were galling and I marched ahead.My lord was standing among his men, his back to me.. the posture was taut, his heads were bent and he was sermoning the monkeys and the demons. I leapt ahead and adorned myself on his back.. my bosom melting into my lords body.. our bodies encompassing to form a single truth. My past, my present my future all culminated in one.

Ram turned towards me, and I bent downt touch his feet, there was no blessings of a long life from him.. He stood silent.. I looked in his eyes and all I heard from his silent eyes were clanging of daggers.. the mark of murder, the shreiks of my trust... the rape of my chastity.. How can one give proof of chastity I thought.. isnt words enough.. isnt trust all. I never asked proof from him.. my love had spoken from him.. maybe his love was mute.. maybe his love was no more alive.

I looked in his eyes... my defiant eyes silenced his glare.. His lips trembled when he asked me to enter the pyre to prove my innocence. I dragged my legs ahead.. my husband following me.. the same way I had followed him for fourteen long years.. the same way he had followed me around our wedding pyre. We walked as a couple, but being no longer one..

The fire was still burning.. and I was still watching it.. The monkeys, the demons, the men, the god all encircling to watch a lady burn.. The gallant soldiers who rescued Lanka from a vile king were now watching the "Purushottam" Ram burn his wife. But did anyone care for me, care for Sita as a person.. If I come out unscathed from the holy fire I will be deatified, worshipped by millions as the virtuous goddess and if I burn to my death I will be villified as a sinner.. a monster.. but I am neither... I will no longer remain what I am.. A wife, A sister.. A daughter... A Mother.. This fire burning before me has now become the crux of my life... All my life before has been destroyed and my life will be judged on the basis of this fire... the mirror of truth!!!! this fire..

I had no choice before me.. I was dead if I remained alive.. My chastity was dead if I was burnt... I stepped forward and sat on the pyre.. The pyre trying to burn me.. My cloths started burning... the fire playing around, touching me here and there... touching me in places where I was suposed to be touched only by my husband.. My husband was still standing in front of me after giving me to fire. I was being tickled by the fire but I still loved my husband.. I was not chaste in my husband's eyes but my soul knew the truth.. and as I sat on the pyre, with eyes closed, with love for my husband, I burned. I opend my eyes to see the god standing before me with open arms, ready to take me back.. All my love died at the moment.. the Ram of my eyes burnt in front of me and the person standing before me was a pitiable man.. The fire had encompassed me now, but now with my heart burning, the body had stopped doing so and I came out of the pyre to my hold my husband's hands.

As we walked back to Ayodhya, I realized my exile had commenced.