That familiar face:

I hoped it was her. It looked like her.. How could I be even sure... It was long time to the day that I had seen her for the last time. Actually didnt even saw her then ... just saw someone who pretended to be her but it wasnt her.It could not have been her... the lady I was saying goodbye to, wasnt smiling, she just looked like a dark shadow of the lady I knew and maybe, at sometime, liked. Coming back, some 20 years from the past, to the same city where I had met her last, Bhubanswar, hadnt changed at all but I think I had and maybe, so had she.

I kept on staring at her from a distance... a eye on her and an eye on the date of mfg of some biscuits which I had no intention of buying. She was buying some grocery items... butter,flour and cereals, oil, which by the way was Dhara ... i smiled ... it had to be her. I still had not thought if I should go ahead.. and talk to her.. I didnt know what I would say, what could I say?? Things that had needed to be spoken had remained silent... it was loud for all to hear but it had remain silent. I still carried those moments with me... the puchkaas(paanipuri) near RDWomen's college, the walk along the desolate roads in Saheed nagar... the ride on the pedalboat in Nicco park, where only I had pedalled and she had enjoyed sitting like some rani and not helping at all. The memories made me smile... I still could see both of us fighting over the last piece of pastry that we had ordered and had shared, and the grimace that she displayed when i dived in and ate the puchkas that had kept piling on the plate when she was struggling to put even one in her mouth. Those half eaten puchkas were falling, the masala water was dripping from her mouth, the lips were looking so enchanting with the "dhaniya leaf" still struck to it. She was trying to wade her disheveled hair with the unused left hand, but they were still falling on her face, a few streaks of those hair were covering her pretty eyes from me. I couldnot but sigh then and think how wonderful she looked. Her eyes were watering with all the chillies that we had put in the puchkas and her nose was moist but she still had looked so beautiful... so very vulnerable... but still so very beautiful.

The lady I had been following had moved to the next section, buying some soaps cosmetics and all... I continued to stare from the magazine section... She seemed alone.. she seemed unhappy and I was so sadistically happy... I remembered when I was playing with her ear rings that day... they were bright and seemed to hang from her small ears, they jingled when she shook her head for something... her smile was so fascinating, so full of innocence. I remembered staring from a distance when she was blabbering and chattering like a monkey along her thousands "double chotied" friends near the school canteen, she looked so enchanting, with so many people around, with the distance between us, she was so very close to my heart. Today when she was so near, she looked so distant, so far away. My heart ached again, the familar feeling was rising again... the burning sensation and a pain that was so difficult to even tolerate, even then, even now.

I was still following her... same like I used to 20 years before... but then we used to walk separately but still togather but today we were standing so near yet we were so far away. I could relive those momemnts as if they had happended just yesterday... but I was always silent about it...Whome do I say... What do I say???? Even if I try how can I even imagine talking of that smile which had so luminated my life... about those eyes which so used to pierce my heart...about those silences which so used to fill me with fantasies... about those soft hands which are no longer in mine. It may not matter to anyone but me.. the difference of "Lucy's death" is only to me.

She stood there in the queue waiting for the counter boy to give her the bill, I still stared ahead unashamedly... She was wearing a pink salwaar today... a color which she had liked and me hated..I still remember when we had met in the park.. another place I always hated to meet her... and ironically had to meet her there for the first and last time. Then too she was clad in pink... had applied god knows what makeup but she was looking so pretty, she told me of the impending marriage and how she had agreed to it.. I have to marry someone, she said... and looked at me , I had no answer... I kept on talking crap about how we should follow our heart but I said nothing that she wanted to hear and may be nothing that I wanted to say. I just kept on going and she kept on listening and we parted with her saying, "I dont atleast dislike him ... maybe I will just grow to fall in love with him... ". I had no answer to the double negatives. I kept silent... I was shattered but still remained silent... I was so afraid of myself... I was so afraid of everything...I am so like Naim in Manto's Barren... I am just incapable of love... I am in love with love itself, but so incapable of falling in love, maybe just incapable of accepting being in love. I could again feel the burning pain shooting in my heart but I just stood silent.

She was going away... walking towards the parked car... She must have settled in bhubaneswar then, but hadnt she told me that she was to marry someone from Mumbai. I looked ahead... she walked towards the black Corolla, a small kid jumped on her... a smile flashed across her face. A bald man coaxed her from the drivers seat to make it quick... she gave a weak smile at him... put the things in the back seat,kept on hugging her son... climbed the front seat and drove away...I still stood standing at the supermarket. I looked ahead.. The man at the counter was asking me if I needed some help... I shook my heads and walked away from that place.